TBCS Blog
Is it impossible? It is impossible? It's NOT impossible!!
I LOVE the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman! I am so moved by music. When I heard Rewrite the Stars for the first time, I automatically thought of our parenting journey with children from hard places. The song was written for two people falling in love in a world that would not understand their relationship. But I could not help thinking about the children God has entrusted us with. Some of them believe they are unlovable. Their world is so scary that they think all people will harm them and they must protect themselves at all costs. But then you come along. They feel safe and loved for the first time in their lives. What do they do with that?? They keep protecting themselves because that is all they know to do. How do we help them? After years of working through my own parenting mistakes and working with families, there is a way! Loving even when we don't feel like it. Loving even when we feel like we can't or are not worthy of love ourselves. It may be hard. It may take time and investment. But I PROMISE, it is NOT impossible! Here are some tips that Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) gives us to follow when we don't know where to start: 1. CONNECTION - Relationship is the key. Find ways to connect and build trust with your children. You can start by using affectionate touch. A soft tap on the shoulder, high five, fist bumps, a touch on the hand. Any of these send a message that you are willing to be present and meet your child's needs. Be mindful of your tone of voice. When they are struggling, bring your tone down to be softer, and the cadence is slower. This is calming, and says to the child that you are sticking with them to help. Eye contact is important too. Remember that eye contact can be threatening, so try to use soft eyes that say you care and are not there to harm. Pick out activities that are fun for you and your child. Try to provide opportunities to laugh and be silly. PLAY DISARMS FEAR! 2. EMPOWER - I have found that becoming a detective and investigating what helps a child calm and what gives them what they need to succeed is so important. I often ask parents to keep a journal of when they experience behavioral challenges and then have them track what was going on, what time of day, when was the last time their child had a snack, or any physical activity? All of these things can help parents understand what is happening with their children emotionally and physiologically. Together we are able to structure a schedule that empowers the child. Remembering that every 2 hours they need something to regulate their blood sugar, including water will allow for their brains to organize and function at optimal levels. Also, they benefit from having some kind of physical or sensory activity every two hours. This helps with emotional regulation and focus! 3. CORRECTION - So when you correct, remember that discipline means to teach. It is not about punishment. When we focus on punishing our children, we are meeting our emotional needs. It is very frustrating when our children do not follow instructions and misbehave, I experience that often with my children! But yelling, shaming, and giving punitive consequences only exacerbates a child's feelings and belief that they are BAD. So when you find yourself feeling angry and frustrated at your child, step back and think of what is so triggering about that. Regulate yourself, do a calming technique if needed. Correction is for teaching, not tearing down. Does it mean you need to make their world a little smaller and draw them in closer? Maybe. Does it mean you might use playful engagement to get the back on track? Hopefully! Does it mean you may have to hold them, and help them calm so they won't hurt themselves or someone else? Possibly. The main goal is to be connected, the behavior to be changed, and both you and the child are content when all is back to calm. Providing opportunity to redo the correct behavior when everyone is calm will help you get to this place. Letting your child know that you understand, and know that we all make mistakes, and most importantly that you still love them and are cheering them on will spark a new belief that they can do anything. They can succeed! THEY CAN RE-WRITE THE STARS!!!
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AuthorAngie Proctor has many years of experience working with parents and children from traumatic backgrounds. She has devoted her career to bringing hope to the hurting. Archives
August 2018
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