Summer is coming to an end and many parents are anxious to get back into a regular routine. Some kids will return to school and have to transition to structured schedules which is a change from a more relaxed summer routine.
What is important for children who struggle with dysregulation is that the adults caring for them know how to be aware of their needs and do what they can to meet them. Teachers need to be educated as to what works well with their students. Here are some ideas to help your child’s teacher find success in building a positive relationship with them and also help them have a successful school year:
GOOD LUCK ON A POSITIVE AND SUCCESSFUL SCHOOL YEAR! Let me know if I can be of any help.
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I am happy to announce that I will be partnering with Aero Gymnastics Family Center in Caddo Mills, TX! I will have an office in their family center as well as offering Trauma-Informed Parenting classes using TBRI strategies.
This new Family Center located in rural Hunt County will provide home school classes, gymnastics, art classes, sensory and movement classes, and open gym for families! The hope is to also provide date night for parents, a fun and safe place to drop kids off for a couple of hours for an affordable price. And once a month, a teen hang out evening where they can play gah-gah ball, and other fun games. I am really excited to be associated with a group of people who put children and their families first! We want to particularly reach out to foster and adoptive families as it is often hard to find services that understand their unique situations and special needs. Check us out at https://www.facebook.com/Aero-Gymnastics-and-Family-Center-183866835581258/ 3061 HWY 66 Caddo Mills, TX 75135 Is it impossible? It is impossible? It's NOT impossible!!
I LOVE the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman! I am so moved by music. When I heard Rewrite the Stars for the first time, I automatically thought of our parenting journey with children from hard places. The song was written for two people falling in love in a world that would not understand their relationship. But I could not help thinking about the children God has entrusted us with. Some of them believe they are unlovable. Their world is so scary that they think all people will harm them and they must protect themselves at all costs. But then you come along. They feel safe and loved for the first time in their lives. What do they do with that?? They keep protecting themselves because that is all they know to do. How do we help them? After years of working through my own parenting mistakes and working with families, there is a way! Loving even when we don't feel like it. Loving even when we feel like we can't or are not worthy of love ourselves. It may be hard. It may take time and investment. But I PROMISE, it is NOT impossible! Here are some tips that Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) gives us to follow when we don't know where to start: 1. CONNECTION - Relationship is the key. Find ways to connect and build trust with your children. You can start by using affectionate touch. A soft tap on the shoulder, high five, fist bumps, a touch on the hand. Any of these send a message that you are willing to be present and meet your child's needs. Be mindful of your tone of voice. When they are struggling, bring your tone down to be softer, and the cadence is slower. This is calming, and says to the child that you are sticking with them to help. Eye contact is important too. Remember that eye contact can be threatening, so try to use soft eyes that say you care and are not there to harm. Pick out activities that are fun for you and your child. Try to provide opportunities to laugh and be silly. PLAY DISARMS FEAR! 2. EMPOWER - I have found that becoming a detective and investigating what helps a child calm and what gives them what they need to succeed is so important. I often ask parents to keep a journal of when they experience behavioral challenges and then have them track what was going on, what time of day, when was the last time their child had a snack, or any physical activity? All of these things can help parents understand what is happening with their children emotionally and physiologically. Together we are able to structure a schedule that empowers the child. Remembering that every 2 hours they need something to regulate their blood sugar, including water will allow for their brains to organize and function at optimal levels. Also, they benefit from having some kind of physical or sensory activity every two hours. This helps with emotional regulation and focus! 3. CORRECTION - So when you correct, remember that discipline means to teach. It is not about punishment. When we focus on punishing our children, we are meeting our emotional needs. It is very frustrating when our children do not follow instructions and misbehave, I experience that often with my children! But yelling, shaming, and giving punitive consequences only exacerbates a child's feelings and belief that they are BAD. So when you find yourself feeling angry and frustrated at your child, step back and think of what is so triggering about that. Regulate yourself, do a calming technique if needed. Correction is for teaching, not tearing down. Does it mean you need to make their world a little smaller and draw them in closer? Maybe. Does it mean you might use playful engagement to get the back on track? Hopefully! Does it mean you may have to hold them, and help them calm so they won't hurt themselves or someone else? Possibly. The main goal is to be connected, the behavior to be changed, and both you and the child are content when all is back to calm. Providing opportunity to redo the correct behavior when everyone is calm will help you get to this place. Letting your child know that you understand, and know that we all make mistakes, and most importantly that you still love them and are cheering them on will spark a new belief that they can do anything. They can succeed! THEY CAN RE-WRITE THE STARS!!! I know what you are thinking, "I'm not ready yet! What will we do with the kids when they get out of school for the summer?"
Just as they become accustomed to their schedule at school, BAM! They are home all day every day. Now they have to get used to a different schedule. They don't like change, AHHHHH! Transitions are hard for most of our kids to handle. planning for that will help you to have a smother time together this summer. Some of you may be worried about the big vacation you've planned knowing it may be overwhelming to your high-risk kiddos. Fearing what behaviors will need to be managed on the big trip triggers anxiety and fear in you. Do we go? Do I stay home with the child who will struggle and allow everyone else to go? No, that feels like a punishment. But if he or she goes, it will punish everyone else. What to do? First - STOP and BREATHE.......(in - smell the soup, out - cool the soup!) Mindfulness is a big key to a healthy parenting jouney. Breathe and capture those thoughts and feelings of anxiety. Name what it is about. What is the trigger? Is it not knowing how to handle the behaviors? Is it worrying what other people will think when you are out in public? Are you even wondering if you will be stuck in your house all summer because your child can't handle it? One you name what your own fears are about, you can start working on a plan. Try to be proactive about the things you will be hard for your kids this summer. Here are some suggestions: 1) Create a summertime schedule - your ids needs structure, so provide it for them. It might be helpful to make a poster that includes wake up time, breakfast, activities, appointments, snacks, etc. It helps them know what is happening each day. If they struggle with control issues, this can help them to process ahead of time what the day will look like. Don't forget to transition them to new activities with verbal cues. "In 5 minutes we will be going to the pool. What do you need to be ready?" Help them process what it takes to move to the next activity. 2) Be mindful of their physical and emotional needs - strategically plan times for sensory integration activities. Pinterest is amazing for ideas! Don't forget they need food and hydration at least every two hours to keep their brains on track. If you see a meltdown coming, ask yourself, "Has he or she eaten or had water lately?" Be careful not to overload their schedules. Too many transitions from one thing to another can cause emotional escalations. Try to catch low levels of dysregulation. If you see it coming and acknowledge that you see they are having a hard time, you might prevent a big blowup. 3) Use this time for opportunities to CONNECT - summer is a great time to build in personal time with your kids. Take the extra cuddle time in the morning if you don't have to be anywhere. Play games and take the time to just BE WITH. A clue to secure attachment is being emotionally present to your children and providing a sense of being with them By doing this you send the message to your child, "I see you. I know who you are. I cherish you. I DELIGHT in you." 4) Always have a Plan B - have a contingency plan even when you go on the big trip. Plan out what to do if you all go to Six Flags and one of your kids can't handle the noise or the crowd. If you see a meltdown starting, can you tag team with your spouse or another adult that is with you? Or do you have an older child that can take the other children on a ride while you help the melting child to calm? Know what it takes to calm your struggling child. You can be proactive by letting them practice calming strategies when they are feeling safe and well-rested. Let them try different exercises, textures, sounds and techniques. The ones they choose the most, keep in mind when they start coming unwound. You can use these strategies with them when they cannot think of what to do. Remember, you may have to regulate for them. They need you during this time. Then when they are able to calm, plan with them what will happen next. If they can rejoin the group, get right back on track. When it is over, it's over! They have enough shame to fill an ocean. They don't need the reminder that they have disappointed you and possibly ruined a trip for everyone else. Are you throwing fireballs at your children because you are so tired and weary of all the pressures and struggles of caring for a child from trauma?
The movie Moana tells the story of Te Fiti, the goddess who forgets who she is and takes away all the nutrients of the sea. She doesn't meet the needs of the island people. Moana in the end, restores Te Fiti and helps her to remember who she is and what her purpose is. Who are you? And what is your purpose? Parenting at-risk children is a long, hard journey. You commit to loving unconditionally and do your best to meet all the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You often have to decode what the needs are due to poor coping skills and maladaptive behaviors. All of that is exhausting. How do you do it? I know how you do it. You DON"T STOP! You keep moving all day long, trying to keep your head above water, caring for everyone's needs but yours. You are lucky to get to bed in time for a few hours of sleep. But oh, wait! You can't sleep because you're thinking of what needs to be done or how your child is drowning in a world that doesn't seem to understand the complexity of his challenges. You keep moving for fear that if you stop, you may DROP! Where is the balance? There is none! The needs are so great. You need balance and peace... somehow... somewhere. According to recent research, the more stress we have in our lives, the more it impacts our physical health. The ACE's study, www.acestoohigh.org, even suggests that traumatic events can impact our life expectancy. The more adverse experiences we have, the more likely we are to develop physical and mental illness. So how do you take a breather without feeling guilty? How do you convince yourself that it is worth investing in your own physical and mental health? Here are a few ideas to help: 1. When you are worn out and fried, you aren't able to give your kids your best self. It is easier to react to things that typically would not trigger anger and frustration because you are already up to your limit and need respite. 2. When you stop to meet your own needs, it promotes healthy boundaries and relationships. This generates emotional clarity and opens the door to hope and joy. 3. You don't have to go on a week vacation, although if you can, go for it! Or you can start small. Go take a long bath, walk around the block, sit on your porch with a cup of coffee, or call a friend. None of these options even require getting in your car! (and don't cost anything) 4. If you are able to get out and spend a day or two away, it is worth it! Make sure it is time that you are able to breath in deeply and rest. If is possible, reflect and regroup. Some parents are so compassion fatigued, they just need to start with breathing. That is okay. 5. The more you do self-care, the better you get at it. I worked as an administrator for a group home for many years and the foster parents received a full week off every 5th week. This was our organization's way of ensuring our foster parents had time to regroup. They are on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for four weeks, and looked forward to that time when they could do something for themselves. Many parents felt like they had not talked to each other for 28 days! The longer they worked for us, the more creative they became with their time off. You can do it too! Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You are better for it. It will allow you to rejuvenate your desire to connect with your children and see them as they are. Bring back Te Fiti! |
AuthorAngie Proctor has many years of experience working with parents and children from traumatic backgrounds. She has devoted her career to bringing hope to the hurting. Archives
August 2018
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